Friday, January 16, 2009
I debated long and hard about what I wanted to post today. In the end, I decided to do something I've never done before. Write an honest post about my mood.
To read either of my blogs, you'd think I'm generally a happy person with a positive outlook. That's what I show to my RL friends too. But that's not always the case. I don't feel like I'm lying or anything, but I do try to blog on "good days". There is plenty of negative stuff out there in the world, and I prefer not to add to it.
But in all honestly, I feel like I'm struggling lately. I'm not happy. There are so many things in my life that I want and need to improve. I'm just not sure how to get started and how to get there. I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like nothing I do matters. I feel like I don't contribute a single thing to society. I feel like I could just evaporate, and the world would go on just as well without me.
Then, the guilt sets in I am not entitled to feel like this. I am very lucky. I have a husband who loves me (although most days I have a hard time figuring out why). I have a nice home. I have good health insurance that has enabled me to have a pump and a CGM. My diabetes has never been in better control. I even have the good fortune of taking time to really figure out what I want to do for a living.
I know the work thing is a huge part of the problem. I have fleeting glances of ideas of what I'd like to do - but I can't figure out exactly what that is or how to get there. So the days go by, and I'm no closer to a career.
And honestly, the diabetes thing is part of the problem too. Yes, I have the tools I need, and I'm lucky for that. Yes, I'm in the best control of my life, and I'm proud of that. But let's face it, it's not easy. It's a 24/7 job all on it's own. Even in excellent control, things just go wrong every so often. It's discouraging at times. Quite often, it's overwhelming.
So tell me, do you have days (weeks, months) like this too? Do you wonder if you should even bother to get up in the morning? Do you feel a load of guilt for feeling that way? Do you think diabetes has a lot to do with the feeling of depression?
And most importantly for me today, how do you fight these feeling and start moving forward again?