Friday, January 16, 2009

Dark Cloud

I debated long and hard about what I wanted to post today. In the end, I decided to do something I've never done before. Write an honest post about my mood.

To read either of my blogs, you'd think I'm generally a happy person with a positive outlook.  That's what I show to my RL friends too.  But that's not always the case. I don't feel like I'm lying or anything, but I do try to blog on "good days". There is plenty of negative stuff out there in the world, and I prefer not to add to it.

But in all honestly, I feel like I'm struggling lately. I'm not happy. There are so many things in my life that I want and need to improve. I'm just not sure how to get started and how to get there. I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like nothing I do matters. I feel like I don't contribute a single thing to society. I feel like I could just evaporate, and the world would go on just as well without me.

Then, the guilt sets in  I am not entitled to feel like this.  I am very lucky. I have a husband who loves me (although most days I have a hard time figuring out why). I have a nice home. I have good health insurance that has enabled me to have a pump and a CGM. My diabetes has never been in better control. I even have the good fortune of taking time to really figure out what I want to do for a living.

I know the work thing is a huge part of the problem. I have fleeting glances of ideas of what I'd like to do - but I can't figure out exactly what that is or how to get there. So the days go by, and I'm no closer to a career.

And honestly, the diabetes thing is part of the problem too. Yes, I have the tools I need, and I'm lucky for that. Yes, I'm in the best control of my life, and I'm proud of that. But let's face it, it's not easy. It's a 24/7 job all on it's own. Even in excellent control, things just go wrong every so often. It's discouraging at times. Quite often, it's overwhelming.

So tell me, do you have days (weeks, months) like this too? Do you wonder if you should even bother to get up in the morning? Do you feel a load of guilt for feeling that way? Do you think diabetes has a lot to do with the feeling of depression?

And most importantly for me today, how do you fight these feeling and start moving forward again?


  1. You are not alone, Karen. I don't have diabetes to deal with and some days (many days) I feel like I'm killing myself on a treadmill to nowhere. I'm having one of those days now as a matter of fact. And I do feel guilty too. Especially when I think of the many, many people for whom survival is a daily struggle. I'm sure anyone in Gaza would happily trade places with me. So I have no words of wisdom for you. Just the knowledge that I feel the same way too.

  2. Count me as another person that understands where you are coming from (although I have no diabetes to contend with). I could throw the usual stuff- have you tried therapy, antidepressants, exercise...? But to my mind nothing is less appreciated than bad advice so just know people are thinking of you and hope you feel better.

  3. Yes, Karen.
    Every day.
    Going into 24 years with T1 and I still feel somewhat "lost" for lack of a better word.
    Of course you know the underlying reason for my "feeling down."

    I agree with Sonya and Kat too.
    I just had a moment of "who am I to complain?!"
    Although I don't feel guilty (or I am denying or ignoring it), I check myself and remind myself, although I have this lovely disease I AM better off than most.

    Of course it doesn't last really.
    I think it is the everyday, every moment maintenance of this disease and after awhile we just, well, get tired of it. We Know there is No vacation from it but still wish there was. We Know what we need to do but we're human and mistakes happen.

    It's a struggle, no doubt.
    I feel for ya hon. I really do.

    Hang in there and again, thinking of you and hope things work out. Easier said than done, I know.

  4. I spend a lot of time writing about my woes and difficult times and I find it helps a lot. Most of my friends IRL see a much cheerier George just because I figure if I fake it long enough I will feel better. That never seems to work.

    I hope you continue to put all your stuff out there because knowing that I am not alone makes me feel better.

    Take care Karen. We are all here for you.

  5. Karen -
    I absolutely have "days, and weeks, and months" where I feel just what your describing - you are not alone!
    Depression and Diabetes go hand-in-hand, then add real life to the mix - and yes - "why get out of bed"enters my mind. The zero degree weather does not help!

    Your wonderful, fantastic, and human - your allowed to feel "lost," and you are certainly allowed to write about it.
    Hang in there friend & know that dBlogville not only loves you - but TOTALLY understands what your feeling!

  6. Yes, I feel this way too. And not only on the diabetes front but on the career front as well. We may not be having the same career woes but it sounds like we both have them in spades. I don't really have any advice, because if I did maybe I'd feel better myself. I guess the thing that helps me most when I'm feeling down is to revel in the good stuff . . . family, friends. They help me remember why life is good.

    As far as the diabetes goes, I certainly feel entitled to feel lousy about it (exhibit A: my last post), so you should too. This is a hard disease and you never get a break. You are right, it's a 24/7 job. Sure you can have a great A1C or a great blood sugar day but you never know what's around the corner. I've had T1 for 18 years and it doesn't get easier. All of us have those ARGH! days, so don't feel bad about yourself for having them. I kinda think they come with the territory. And Kelly is right, all of us in dBlogville get it and we're here for you!


  7. Yes, I can relate. I had a child born with a brain tumor. That was in 2004. In 2007, I think I really lost my mind. I ended up in a 3rd world country convinced my husband and I could live there. After being there for 6 weeks with just my 5 y/o (at the time) and my husband and son stateside and I was just a few weeks from my due date I freaked out. Flew back to the states with 3 weeks before my due date. It's been 14 months since then and this last year has been a real struggle. When I got pregnant in the beginning of 2007 I went off of my sleeping pills, pepsi, cigs and antianxiety meds. Combine quitting all those cold turkey plus pregnancy hormones. AY yi yi. I use to blog all the time when we were going through the cancer fight and it all came back to bite me in the butt. I had family and friends ridicule me for whining. So I had also quit blogging "real" stuff. One thing I've learned is you can't hold it all in and you can't do it alone. I still rarely blog real life stuff since I was burned again in 2007 when I went nuts by my own family who used my blog as fodder for gossip. I'm sorry I'm rambling. You are not alone. Between trying to eat better, taking time for myself to knit and do yoga, I'm planning on having a better year. So keep blogging and know we understand.

  8. I have a history of clinical depression on my mom's side and T1DM on my dad's. So, I'd probably have problems with depression even if I wasn't a pwd. Having to cope with db on type of life's other challenges is a flippin/ freakin' enormous job.
    I'm having a heck of a time dealing with the cold here - 3 full days here the temp hasn't gotten above zero. Yet, I keep comparing the weather to db - one thing I know is that the winter will end, yet db will not. Bah humbug!
    The magic cure? - patience, kindness to self and maybe a visit to the lys (?????)
    I wish you better days ahead. Hang in there!

  9. I'm there with you, Karen. I spent most of last night crying because I've been feeling completely ineffective, like nothing I do matters. I can't even get my BG's under control anymore and I don't understand why because I'm not doing anything different. Yesterday, after being in the 300's and 200's for hours, I was pretty much like 'if my BG's are going to suck regardless of what I do to fix it, I'm just going to eat Fritos and brownies for dinner.' And that's what I did. That didn't turn out so well, but taking bolus after bolus wasn't making a difference either. I'm clinging to every last positive thing I can find, but it hasn't been enough to keep me afloat. I know what you mean about feeling hesitant to post about feeling down. Everyday I sit to write a blog post, I just want to say how terrible I feel, but then I think about how no one wants to read that day after day. For what it's worth, I'm glad you shared that it's been like this for you because at least I know I'm not completely alone feeling like this.

  10. hey karen...i have an awful lot of bad days with diabetes. but sometimes the diabetes combines with everything else: money worries, love worries, my current struggle with my faith, and school, and i just have a terrible day.

    my niece sometimes crawls up in my lap (at the age of 8, still wants to sit with me!) and she says, "whats wrong?" so i just tell her i'm having a long, long day. and she says, "no, silly. every day is only 24 hours!"

    i think that little interchange of depression vs innocence somehow helps me.

    i'm with you, karen!


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