Complications, Luck and Guilt

It’s been about four years since my ophthalmologist first found some tiny bleeds in my eyes.  And by “tiny” I mean so minuscule that I just need to go in every six months for a dilated exam to keep tabs on their status.  Each time I go in, Dr. C either finds no change at all or finds that one leak has cleared up but another itty bitty leak has formed.  Thursday it was time to go in again, and I’ll admit I was feeling very nervous about what she would find this time.  Because honestly, lately it feels like I’ve been getting more bad news than good, and so I’ve got quite a pessimistic outlook these days.

This time, however, the news was good!  Really good!!  Both eyes are now 100% clear of any leaks and bleeds or any other problems other than my astigmatism and extreme nearsightedness - neither of which are diabetes related.  Although Dr. C feels we could go back to yearly dilations, she prefers that I continue to come every six months.  This is because I’ve been diabetic for such a long time, and she’d really like to catch any problems as early as possible. Now let me tell you, I really despise getting my pupils blown up as large as they can stretch and then being forced into what feels like the equivalent of staring straight into the sun on a clear summer day.  But I do agree with Dr. C about catching things early, so I made my appointment to go back in September for more torture my next exam.

As I left the office, something Dr. C said stuck with me.  She said “Although you’ve had diabetes for so long, I’m not that worried about you because you have such great control.”  That statement has been nagging at me since last week.  While it’s true that my A1Cs have been just where we want them to be for almost four years, that doesn’t mean my control is always great . . . .  because as we all know, a bunch of crappy numbers can still average out to an okay A1C.  But even if we assume that I did have great control since 2008, that certainly doesn’t make up for the 20+ years I spent with less than stellar (to put it mildly) control.  With this in mind, I told her that I think the whole complication thing comes down to a little hard work and a whole lot of luck.

For me, this is where the Major Complication Guilt sets in.  I’m very glad to be fairly complication free after 32 years with this disease.  I'm overjoyed that my eyes are in great shape once again.  It really is quite a blessing - but that makes me feel guilty because it’s a blessing I don’t feel I deserve.  I have plenty of friends who have worked much harder than I did over the years, and yet they are battling complications from this beastly disease.  Why them?  Why not me?  And why does diabetes have to pile on a boatload of guilt along with all of its other garbage??

It’s Complicated . . .

I’ve had diabetes for a long time.  I often say I feel lucky and proud to have come this far without any complications.  Or sometimes I say with almost no complications.  Because I’m not really sure how to classify myself.

For the most part, everything is fine.  Everything except my eyes.  A couple of years ago, for the first time ever, my eye doctor found a tiny bleed.  Six months later, it was gone but a new one had appeared in the other eye.  Every six months I go in for another dilation exam.  Every six months, the last tiny bleed has cleared up but a new tiny bleed is found.


My latest six month exam happened a few days ago.  This time the tiny bleed from six months ago has remained.  It’s way off in the peripheral and so small that Dr. C had to look very very hard to find it.  No other bleeds have cropped up.  Dr. C said this is amazing for someone who has been diabetic as long as I have.  She also thinks it may be time to go back to annual dilation exams instead of bi-annual.  We’ll do one more exam in six months, but if things continue to not-progress I won’t have to come back for a year.

Happy news indeed.  But now where do I stand in complication status?  I have small leaks in the vessels of my eyes.  Extremely small leaks that are not affecting my vision at all.  So how do I classify myself?  As far as I’m concerned, I do not have retinopathy.  I still think of myself as being complication free.  But is that actually true?  Or at this stage of the game, does it even matter if one tiny bleed is considered a complication or not?

I wish every month was November.

You probably know by now that November is National Diabetes Awareness Month.  Every D-Blog I click over to is on board and working hard to spread the word.  But how many people outside the D-OC know that it's Diabetes Awareness Month?  I haven't seen any billboards.  No T.V. commercials.  No products on my grocery store shelves are sporting blue labels and pledging to donate to a cure.  My friends, there is still a whole lot of awareness that needs to be spread.  Here are some events I know of that are helping to do just that.

World Diabetes Day

November 14th is World Diabetes Day. The campaign this year is focusing on Diabetes Awareness and Prevention.  Be sure to proudly wear blue, participate in the Big Blue Test and take part in any activities going on near you.

ADA Stop Diabetes

Stop Diabetes is a new multi-year movement launched by the American Diabetes Association.  The aim here is to confront diabetes, fight diabetes and STOP diabetes.  Check out the site where you can join the movement.  You'll also find diabetes info, food and fitness tips and links to community events.  You can even share your diabetes story or video. For every story shared, $5 will be donated to the ADA.

EyeSmart

The aim of EyeSmart is to spread awareness about diabetic eye disease. I've seen many posts about the fear of going blind due to diabetes and that fear is not unfounded. According to the EyeSmart site diabetes is a leading cause of vision loss among Americans. Yet many of us are lax about getting our yearly dilated eye exam. I know I was, until my eye doctor found a leaky vessel in my eye in January 2008.  Since that time, I've been diligent about getting my eyes checked every six months.  Each time I go, the leak from the previous time has cleared up but another tiny leak is found.  So far, they are tiny enough to warrant nothing more than close monitoring.  My next appointment is already set up for March.  Are you ready to get "EyeCommitted" to saving your sight?  If so, click on the widget in my sidebar to find out more.
**Disclosure: I received this widget from a marketing agency.  As part of the eyeSmart initiative, a prize is offered to the blogger who generates the most awareness through their widget.  However, I am not posting the widget because I think I have a shot at the grand prize (although I would be thrilled to win).  I am posting the widget because I personally believe eye disease awareness and prevention is vitally important.**

What do you have planned to spread awareness and education this month? What interesting events and sites have you found?

Leaky

Six months ago, I had my annual dilated eye exam.  For the first time ever, the eye doctor found a leaky vessel.  In my left eye.  It was small, and she told me that after almost 29 years with diabetes, this was bound to happen.  She reassured me that there was no reason to be alarmed right now, but that we should keep a close eye on it.  (Hahahahaha, close EYE on it!!  I crack myself up.)

So today, we took another look.  (Tee hee, LOOK.  Okay, enough puns?)

The good news is, the bleeder in my left eye is gone.

The bad news, now there is one in my right eye.

Sigh.  Again, it's very small and not in a "dangerous" part of my eye.  For now, we'll wait another six months and check again. 

But we know what that means.  Six more months for me to worry about the state of my eyes.  Damn this disease is frustrating some times.