Friday, April 30, 2010

Nerves . . .

It happens like clockwork . . . every few months.  The nerves set in.  The butterflies make a nest in my stomach.  Anxiety overload.  What is the trigger?  An upcoming endo appointment.

Next Friday it's time for me to go back to Dr. F.  On Monday I'll go to the lab to get my blood work done.  I'm nervous about that.  It's not the actual needle that I stress over - I'm an old pro at that by now.  It's what my blood will show - more specifically what my A1C and blood glucose numbers will be.  I must confess, if my fasting number is not in range on Monday, chances are I'll delay my blood draw until Tuesday.  I know this is silly.  My pump downloads and A1C will help show if that out-of-range reading was an exception or the norm.  But still, I can't help wanting the fasting number the lab prints on my test results to be "perfect".

The nerves don't stop once the blood work is drawn.  I have a full week of anxiety ahead of me.  It's stupid, really.  Even when I was on MDIs and my A1C was way above a healthy range, Dr. F never once lectured or blamed me.  Instead, we discussed what was going on and he gave me new things to try.  A new type of insulin that might work better for my body.  The splitting of my Lantus dose in the hopes of providing more even coverage.  A gentle suggestion that pumping might help me, but the freedom and time to come around to the idea of pumping on my own.  The statement that no matter what, there will always be some highs and lows and that I shouldn't beat myself up over them.

And since going on the pump, my A1Cs have been consistently under 6.5.  The only problems my other lab work has ever shown have been easily fixable - things like low iron stores or low Vitamin D levels.  Sure, I do breathe a sigh of relief each time he reports that my liver and kidney function results are awesome - who wouldn't?  But for the most part, he reports that everything looks good, he looks at my pump downloads and we discuss anything that might need tweaking, he asks me if I have any questions, and then he tells me how great I'm doing and says he'll see me in 3 - 4 (or sometimes even 5 - 6) months.  I head out the door with a huge smile on my face and the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders.  And I wonder why I spent the past week all stressed out.

Until a week before my next appointment.  When the cycle starts all over again . . .


  1. I hope everything goes well. I'm sure I would be reacting exactly the same way if I were in your position.

  2. I get that way too. I think we all do. Cause we have constantly been told that bad stuff is going to happen. So we expect it. Good luck at your appointment. You will be fine. :)

  3. When I was younger and more careless, I don't remember being nervous at all going to the endo. Even when he sat down next to me and told me my A1Cs were horrible...or I'd have a BG over 300 in the exam. So maybe nerves are a good thing, in a way...

    Wishing you luck. You'll be fine :)

  4. Reason and emotion don't always play together nicely. I know I'm not supposed to liken this to a report card, but even straight A students get nervous at report card time, no matter how confident they are. As you said, you have every reason to believe/know it will go well, and your Dr. sounds absolutely wonderful. Best wishes for a not so worrisome week. :)

  5. Just the fact that you're going and know what your concerns are is a reason to relax. Diabetes is a journey, not a destination- there is sadly no "final appointment" for us to prepare for, we just have to keep going and keep learning each time. Which it sounds like is exactly what you're doing. The time to worry is when you aren't getting all this information.

  6. I agree with Cara. We are told how important it is to have a low A1C because we do not want to have complications. I think I am at the point in my d-life where I can say I take darn good care of myself not matter what the number says but for some odd reason if I hear anything above 6.3 I cringe. Great post. I hope all went well at the doc appointment.

  7. You know what - I still totally fret about an upcoming endo appointment. Why? Dunno - maybe it's habit by now?


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