Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Reality Check

Just as my blog title states, I honestly believe that life with diabetes isn’t all bad.  But the reality is that sometimes it is.  Sometimes it’s very bad.  And I think sometimes we need to stop and talk about that reality, to acknowledge the crappy parts of living with diabetes and to tell it like it is.  Sometimes I need to force myself to take an honest look at the real stuff I just don't want to deal with.

scaredThat real stuff hit me hard on Saturday evening with a bad low blood sugar, and it was scary.  I don’t want to tell the story, I’d rather just forget it happened.   But I need to tell it.  I need to because it will hopefully raise a little more awareness of real life with diabetes.  I need to because it will hopefully help me deal with it and take some of the fear away.  So here goes.  Late Saturday afternoon, Pete got me some takeout for dinner and then headed off to Guy’s Night Out.  I picked out a stack of chick flicks to watch and settled in for a quiet evening.  I made an educated estimate of my dinner carbs, bolused, and ate.

About 2/3s of the way into my first movie, my CGM low alarm sounded and I also felt low.  I grabbed the bag of kiwi and coconut Jelly Bellys we had purchased last weekend and began munching them in my OCD way.  (This means 3 kiwi and 3 coconut jellybeans in each bite.)  I munched away but suddenly I was having a really hard time matching up the jellybeans.  I had to really concentrate to count them out and I felt like I was enveloped in a dark fog.  The movie was getting really confusing too, even though it wasn’t a confusing movie (Bridget Jones’s Diary) and I’d seen it at least a dozen times before.  But I just couldn’t follow it, and I had a strange blurry feeling that maybe I was actually in the movie.  It was extremely confusing.  Next I could feel big drops of sweat running down my back and sides, but I wasn’t sure what to do about it.  And then?  Honestly, I don’t know what happened then.  It kind of goes blank at that point.  Did I let myself go to sleep?  Did I pass out briefly?  Did I just sit there in a stupid haze?  I don’t know . . . . and the fact that I don’t know scares me to my core.

The next thing I remember is that the movie was over and the DVD was playing the annoying menu screen.  I felt clear headed and knew I had just had a really scary low.  In a panic I grabbed a package of Oreos and ate about eight of them, until the thought of any more food made my stomach roll.  I wanted to call Pete but I knew he’d come straight home, and I didn’t want to ruin his night out.  I knew I was now completely back to normal and safe to spend the rest of the evening by myself but I felt so darn alone.  I wanted to call my parents, but there was no way I would ever worry them with details of my bad low.  I wanted to call some friends, but didn’t want to bother anyone on a Saturday night with their friends or families.  So I had a good long cry to release some of the emotions I was feeling, showered off the low-sweat, and spent the rest of the evening fighting down a huge post-low rebound blood sugar and feeling completely crappy.

In my 32+ years of diabetes, this was among a very small handful of really scary and serious lows I’ve had.  But this is real life with diabetes.  I did everything to the best of my ability and still got blindsided.  Maybe I overestimated my dinner carbs, but that’s the problem with foods without accurate nutrition information available.  I’ve eaten that dinner before and I used a bolus combo that has worked beautifully in the past.  There was no real reason for it not to work this time.  I know it’s going to take me a while to get over the low-fears I’ve been feeling for the past few days.  I’m a bit panicked about my trip to a conference for a few days next week, where I’ll be on my own for two nights.  And I hate that after all this time, diabetes can still be so freaking scary.  Not often, but still . . . . .

19 comments:

  1. Oh Karen, I wish you'd called me. Not that I could have done anything from here, but I've been there & it's so scary. Be thankful you got some of those Jelly Bellys down before you blanked out. At least you had the sugar in you to start working. Also, if you're still paranoid conference time, you can stay with me. We can take care of each other. <3

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  2. Thank goodness for those jelly beans. Any time I'm really low, and afraid I'm going to lose it ("it" = consciousness), I always think that at least I've had X amount of carbs, and those have to kick in at some point.

    I'm sorry this happened, Karen. I'm so glad you're okay.

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  3. Karen, I'm so sorry! Sometimes I want Matthew to have a CGM so much, but even then it's no guarantee.

    I'm so glad you're okay!!

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  4. Reality bites even the best of us in the ass sometimes. And D has a much harder bite than reality!
    So glad you were able to work through the low. So sorry that you were by yourself and felt you needed to shoulder it all on your own.
    I'm with you on wanting to call someone, but not because you don't want to bother them...totally me to a T. BUT, there are times that it's not 'bothering' it's 'necessary' and those family and friends WANT you to reach out to them!

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  5. Those are the worst lows- by yourself and blanking out. I'm never sure who to call in that situation either- I usually feel a little bit dumb about messing up. I'm impressed you didn't eat all the Oreos- I would have! I'm glad you made it through. It sucked, but you did it with complete success.

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  6. ((((HUGS))))
    First and foremost: I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE OK!! And I'm glad you are able to write about your experience to advocate, teach, and from a therapeutic standpoint for yourself, as well. I know this probably isn't all that comforting, but I've been there more times than I care to admit. I can laugh at the times when others have been there to help me, but having scary lows alone are terrifying. I'm happy you had jelly beans nearby and had sense to treat your low. I wish I was there so I could give you a big hug! Next time I see you, you'll definitely be getting one:)

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  7. wow.
    just goes to show.... reality check for sure. I'm SO glad you shared the story, people need to know that after 32 years sometimes it's still beyond our control.

    Hope the low jitters slowly move on out.

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  8. Oh Karen, this made me cry. I'm already having a blue day with D and I'm sad that you had to deal with this. Thank you SO much for sharing your scary low. I know it was difficult, but it helps others. It is important that we share everything about D: the good, the bad and the awful. Hugs.

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  9. {{{{{{{{{Karen}}}}}}}}}} Thinking of you with healing thoughts.

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  10. Glad it worked out! In 20 years, I've only had one of those "black out" moments from a low. I remember laying on the couch feeling like I was having an out of body experience, and then I "woke up" standing in the kitchen, leaning against the wall, holding a jug of orange juice. WEIRD to not know how I got there, though. So I can relate! (((HUGS))) friend!

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  11. i am sooo glad that you are OK!! i am going to let my husband read your post. even after 37 years of D and 30 years of marriage, he still doesn't always get that i don't always win. he sometimes doesn't understand that diabetes is a sneaky devil and even when you think you did everything right, it can (and will) still go wrong.

    sending hugs to you, and hoping you know you can reach out at any time and we will be there no matter what.

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  12. Sometimes I hate diabetes. Reading this post makes me hate diabetes. For you, for my daughter, for everyone that has to live walking this perfect balance between being too high and too low. Call your husband. Call your parents. Call your friends. Heck - you don't know me, but you could call me, too! It's never a bother to hear from someone you love and, as a mom, I hope if my daughter had a scary low that she would call me because, truth be told, I'm going to worry about her for the rest of my life no matter what! So glad that you're OK and wishing you peace and comfort in your upcoming travels.

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  13. Oh, Karen! I am so sorry that this happened, but so, so glad you are alright now (besides being emotionally rocked). Like Jacquie, I am always thinking (when low) "these carbs have to be doing *some*thing, so they have to kick in at some point." I know how worried you are about your upcoming trip, but you are a pro at this diabetes thing, and will be prepared for any situation. Plus, you are armed with friends who you can call, and who will try their darndest to come to your aid at any moment, wherever you are!

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  14. This kind of thing has happened to me several times in the past. I stopped eating food that did not have a known carb count. No more restaurants that were not in the Calorie King. If a restaurant had new items on their menu that were not in the Calorie King book, I ignored them completely. I know my insulin:carb ratios, and my insulin sensitivities, so I have fewer lows now. The bad lows I have now are usually caused by my having more exercise than I had planned. I have also had a few bad lows when I had bolused correctly, but then forgot I had bolused, and bolused again. I usually realize what I have done in time, but a few times I did not! I am 72 years old now, and more apt to be absent minded.

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  15. You can call me anytime! Probably couldn't offer a lot of advice but I'd talk and listen.
    I'll even send you my phone number :)
    Glad you made it through.
    A thought - remember writing about a low several years ago...??? And I had my husband read it???

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  16. Jelly Belly's are the absolute best!

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  17. Ugh. Really sorry to read that. Even though it's what really scares us the most, I feel like lows are the side of diabetes that gets talked about the least. I would say the good news is that if there's anywhere that you should feel safe/surrounded by people ready/willing/able to help, it's at a diabetes conference!

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  18. Whoa. Oh man. That is scary. I'm so glad you're all right.

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  19. Yikes K-Diggity! I had no idea. I'm sorry I'm so behind on reading. Sometimes our vulnerability is the most terrifying thing ever.

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