For years and years I struggled with my A1C. It was always too high. No matter what I did, no matter what my endo and I tried, no matter what I couldn’t get it where I wanted it to be.
So, before I go any further, let me clarify that I am not saying an insulin pump is the answer for everyone, nor do I believe everyone should pump. We are all different. What works for one doesn’t work for everyone. Let me also say I am not trying to brag about my A1C at all. Okay, but, for me the pump has been kind of magic. Since going on the pump about three and a half year ago, my A1C has been right where my endo and I have wanted it to be. Sound the bells, strike up the band, everything is great, right?
Well, not quite. I think back to when I was working so hard and not getting any results. I think about how much I dreaded each endo appointment. I remember wishing I could just get my A1C in line because then all of the stress and fear would be gone!!!
And I did. My A1C has been in line since August of 2008. Each and every lab slip comes back with nothing but the numbers we've been shooting for. But guess what? The stress and fear, the dread before each endo appointment? They are just as strong. What . . . the . . . . fructose??
I see my endo on Wednesday. I procrastinated getting my blood drawn at the lab until today. I secretly toy with the idea of coming up with some excuse to push back my appointment. I’ve had several dreams about being in that tiny exam room and finding out that my A1C is HORRID. I am convinced I am doing terribly - even though when I download and analyze my numbers they are right where they should be. It's not just the average that is good (because to paraphrase my friend Rachel Y, a 210 and a 30 on the meter work out to a perfectly acceptable 120 average.) The numbers, the pie charts, the standard deviation- they all check out just fine. And yes, I pour over the numbers from both my CGM and my meter, never really believing that either of them are telling the true story.
All of those years I spent wishing I could get my A1C where I needed it to be, sure that once I did I could stop worrying neurotically over each number and appointment, seem kind of like a waste. Because I’m finally there . . . . yet I am still just as neurotic. Why can’t I relax? Why can’t I trust that I’m dong well? Why am I sure I’m gong to get blindsided by a sky-high A1C, even when everything points to that not happening? Why am I so afraid of letting myself, and my endo, down? Why did I think that once I got my A1C to a certain number all of my diabetes problems would be solved? And when, oh goodness when, does it get easier?